(Bold Him, Italics me)
Him: ok, ok, i said i wasnt going to hunt down your new blog, but crumbling. i stumbled onto [old blog] months ago and bookmarked it. keep checking back to see if the shut down was a ruse. the work day is too long and your blog made me laugh. any hint as to the new location?
non-stalkingly,
Mr. Butterworths
Me: I just googled “mr. butterworths” to make sure you weren’t a clever aunt or sister tricking me into giving out my new address. Unless you had the foresight, clever aunt or sister, to create a blog last august and invent an identity as a hopkins researcher to sucker me into giving you my new blog address, then you are a complete stranger, which qualifies you for the new address.
I hope that wasn’t too stalkey of me.
If you are a clever aunt or sister, then you’ve earned the new address with your dastardly subterfuge. Don’t get too offended when I make fun of how fat you’ve gotten. There’s just more of you to love. You can still find mister right. But then again, we’re family. I’m sort of required to say that.
New blog address:
http://downbydukiesplace.blogspot.com/
Be forewarned, though, I have not been updating it. I might get back into it, but then again, I may not.
toodles,
Dukie
p.s. Your blog is funny.
p.p.s Can I have the phone number of the pregnant 17 [year old] drug addict* that was checking you out? She seems more my type, homo.
p.p.p.s. I say “homo” respectfully. Some of my best
hot dreams are gay.
p.p.p.p.s. That was a joke. My hot gay dreams are terrible. Not that there is anything wrong with them, of course, but the dream dudes are all very inexperienced.
p.p.p.p.p.s I may post this email.
Him: Thanks tiger, and good news, you are sister and auntie free.
I'll be sure to pass along the next teen preggers i find in the hallways. Admitting total shame by paraphrasing a quote from Patch Adams, you know she puts out, so game on.
I’ve never seen Patch Adams. It must be some gay movie. I’ll probably rent it under cover of darkness... in a neighborhood I’m not likely to run into any of my friends.
*That should make for some interesting google hits.
8 comments:
You're worried about a clever aunt or sister. Good God, you still let your mom read your blog?
Hopefully, this blog will be completely relative/human friend free. I just couldn’t imagine my mother creating an anonymous yahoo account and naming it “Mr. Butterworths.” A cousin/sister/aunt/coworker? Maybe.
i have hot gay dreams sometimes.
Miss Kendra, if you could be so kind, could you please describe those dreams to me... in painstaking detail... a la Penthouse letters house style. You know, all “Miss Maples, my eng101 TA, wanted to meet me after class over drinks to talk about my paper. When I went to the bar, I was SHOCKED to find out it was a lipstick lesbian bar that catered to an only hot twenty-something clientele. Oh golly, I was all mixed up. I didn’t know whether to run away or make out with everybody. I had never made out with a girl without a room full of frat boys cheering me on. My legs were quivering....”
That would be SOOOOOOOOOO hot!
You said golly.
kristine, "Oh golly, I was all mixed up" is actually a quote from a porn movie I once saw.
The fact that you said toodles is far more disturbing.
toodlephobe
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