Here is our exchange (him in bold):
Him: While not a tremendous fan of Van Halen, it's indisputable that Eddie Van Halen is among the 5 most influential guitarists of the last 50 years - and all you can focus on is the fact that he looks like shit.
Who the fuck are you? What the fuck do you do besides sniff celebrities assholes? Grow up and suffer a little yourself. You may learn some valuable lessons - asshole.
Me: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: Your bad vibes will undoubtedly smack you upside your pussy little head fool. The sooner the better.
Me: MY bad vibes? This coming from someone who went to the trouble of seeking out a stranger’s email to send that stranger hate mail? People who live in glass houses filled to the rafters with piss and vinegar shouldn’t throw stones. You are angry and hostile. I am quite happy and amused by all of this. Who is it, exactly, who has all of the bad vibes?
Maybe if you didn’t listen to so much power rock and invested in some easy listening music, you could workout some of your own “bad vibes” issues.
Him: Went to the trouble to seek out a stranger's e-mail?? It's right there on your freaking blog idiot. My bad vibes? No, sorry. It's my rage at freaks like yourself who lack compassion and empathy for those in pain.
Me: Hey, I figured out why you are so angry. You are on meth, aren't you? YOU'RE METH CRAZY! All just tweaking on your computer, sending off crazy/angry hate mail.
Him: Man - or miss - you have no fucking idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck I do. And I suggest we leave it at that.
Me: Oh, of course not. You started this. Finish it. Tell me all about your "rage." Tell me about your pain. Enlighten me about human suffering. How can I embrace empathy if I am not taught by thoughtful individuals, such as yourself, how to feel?
Him: No my friend. Actually, you started it with your "catty" litttle post about Eddie Van Halen.
Me: Tell yourself whatever you want. I'll be too busy learning empathy. First, I'm going to kiss a bunch of puppies and kittens. Then, I'm going to read all the
thank you mail I get from my sponsor children in Africa. Klik Klak's village is going to get a new well thanks to my donations! At church, we're all going to clasp hands and send him a celestial prayer hug. And now, thanks to your help, I am one step closer to learning how to cry. Thank you!
Oh yes, also, thank you for finally sending me an email that isn't full of F bombs, Mr. Teach-me-empathy. We're both getting a little closer to the good vibes, aren't we? You're listening to Joni Mitchell too, aren't you?
Him: Oh wait, I forgot. You're a tough dude. Engaged in the manly pursuit of - online gossip columnist. I apologize. In your line of work, one simply can't afford to be a weak kneed wimpering bleeding heart like me. You gotta be strong to sit behind that laptop and make fun of
people. Where do I sign up? I could use some toughening up and the thought of joining the service and having a couple of limbs blown off in Baghdad is just sooooooooo unappetizing! Also, maybe I could get to meet some hot ladies, like Anne Coulter.
Me: See, now you're just not making any sense. What the hell does exploding limbs and Anne Coulter have to do with kissing puppies and Eddie Van Halen? Have you somehow assumed that my politics must be the opposite of yours, whatever the hell your politics are? After all, I am sure that you have assumed that I represent all that is evil, while you represent all that is good, so obviously we must have opposite politics, as I obvs. vote for satan. weirdo.
Update: His final email.
Him: Gotta sing off now. But I do have to tip my hat - you're obviously pretty smart or you couldn't keep up with me. Why not us the smarts for something other than celebrity bashing? All the best. Peace!
Gee whiz, I’m so thankful that he is willing to acknowledge that I was able to “keep up” with him. I must be one clever cookie to be able to do that.
7 comments:
hehheh, intarwebs warriors at it again. i heart it.
p.s. david lee roth RAWKS!
I'm proud of you, Dookie. It just goes to show that your meth was better than his.
i would not be surprised to know that my ex wrote those emails.
And in the end, Van Halen is still a crazy, old meth-addict.
jd, if I ever see you use the term "interwebnets," I'll have to hunt you down and kill you.
tfg, it's funny how your new nickname for me is spelled exactly how your mom smells.
miss kendra, ah yes, the horse blinders of fresh love... and the harsh bitch slap of retrospect.
acw, I think there is some web chatter out there about how Van Halen is finally seeking help or something, which inspired this attempted dressing down. Good luck to him and all that, I guess.
That's actually no coincidence.
I think the use of f-bombs is highly underappreciated; hell, it's just a word.
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